Once you realize,

Once you realize that the world is yours for the taking, that you need to grow some balls and make something of yourself, create opportunities, grab life by the collar, give it a big fuck you I will own you, I will own me, that fear never goes away, it's always there and it's the only thing stopping you. you are stopping you.

fearlessness comes from taking chances. i am learning now, that life doesn't hand shit to you on a silver platter with a wide grin (and prodding you on, saying 'take it, take all of me'). it is living outside what you're comfortable with, it is having choices and making the right, but difficult one. the one that makes your heart stop and your brain, your rational side goes "this is it, this is not it, give up now, it is not worth it" it is grasping things fully, wholly, dramatically and drastically reveling in emotions.

You begin to live. grab it. in me i have insatiable lust for everything life has to offer. Its experiences, art, knowledge, food, people (everyone has ten thousand dimensions to their self, their soul, it is easy to forget that connections need to be maintained and nurtured through...) love. above all, love. unconditional, natural and real.

and I am writing, a life for myself.

She and Him,

meditations in an emergency,

Each time my heart is broken it makes me feel more adventurous
(and how the same names keep recurring on that interminable
list!), but one of these days there'll be nothing left with
which to venture forth.

Why should I share you? Why don't you get rid of someone else
for a change?

I am the least difficult of men. All I want is boundless love.

Even trees understand me! Good heavens, I lie under them, too,
don't I? I'm just like a pile of leaves.

- Frank O' Hara (you have read my heart, I lie under stars and they make me feel alive)

turning,

Cheers y'all! Spring is a-coming! the sun's a-shining! the wind's a-breezing! the birds a-chirping! ( try saying this with the most honky-dory accent you can manage while skipping on the way to school. amusing stuff! but then yasmin is easily amused.)

It is 3 degrees now, and I feel like sitting on grass all the time! except it's wet. and muddy. grr

snow dance,

today the snow danced
and I could feel it singing and
it was falling and moving and
they seem to have a rhythm, a beat; left right turn
rise up slowly
and now fall down, rapidly
twist

and there were individual snowflakes
tiptoeing on my windowpane

the wind was happy to help their form, I bet

and there were those two huskies, their coats gleaming in the snow
wagging their tails and shagging their fur
how I would have loved to have danced with them

if it weren't so cold

-------------------------------------------------------------

We're doing William Carlos Williams for English next week. It'd be interesting to see how Dr. Z's explanation of him stands against that hipster McGill lecturer (who I thought was great). I don't see any organization in my English class whatsoever, she's doing post-modernist, then traditional, then modernist, then post WWI... Whaaaa...?

I was listening to Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles earlier, it's amusing how I find the song more beautiful and emotionally fulfilling after going through winter. It made me smile superwide!

Oh sun, how I want you so bad!

beat,

Taken from letters to dead people

i think if by some,

anachronistic way Oscar Wilde, James Dean, John Lennon, Jeff Buckley and Bill had met,

they would have liked each other.

A few days ago, I was checking out Bill's (one of my favourite contemporary writer) page, only to find out he died two weeks ago.

It unsettles me. The man had a pure heart, much like the four aforementioned people above.

When I used to write, I experimented with his writing style: it was very 50s/60s noir, very personal, sort of like how one's mind wanders while staring off into space in a coffee shop. And think about loss. love.life.

Love, mostly.

He seemed to get it.

Just like the four aforementioned did.

My favourite of his: Bad Poetry.

because,

sometimes I feel the world is infinitely small and everything's condensed and I touch everything, I can feel everything, I am a part of something, that I am not just some tiny speck in a universe that stretches billions of light years...

other days (like today) I think whether at night our reflections stare back at us, watching us fall into deep slumber (and dream, what do you know about dreaming?), wishing they were on this side and not the other (where they are);

like the looking glass, only unlike Alice, they can't step through: they can only wish.

some days I don't think about those things, I engross myself in books where the main character goes through a life-changing experience (including stepping through to the other side), and at first it seemed so random but when you get to the end you understand why,

Albert Einstein said "God does not play dice with the Universe."

while my guitar gently weeps,

I'm currently listening to the Beatles:Remastered and I'm thinking to myself 'this is it. that's all there is to it.' ... now if only I could save up to buy a gramaphone (or whatever it is it's called in these times) and buy the whole Beatles LP collection, lie on the sand with the sun in my eyes and the crisp voices of Lennon and McCartney playing in the background... I'd die happy. Theoretically. Well coupled with Frankie Blue Eyes and The Smiths...

Whatever happened to my beach house dream?

"Obla-di, Obla-da, life goes on!"

It does not get any better than that. The first image that pops up in my mind whenever I hear or hum this song is that of my dad singing it every time someone's down or he's bummed...

Yeah sometimes I wish I was a 70s (middle 60s?) child. Before Yoko Ono came about.

Whatever happened to my childhood dreams? I used to keep a list and I've seem to have misplaced it (where am I really? did I misplace the list or myself? I sound so old). My childhood daydream.

Ukraine.

"I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in, it stops my mind from wondering... Where it will go?"

I don't understand why people underestimated Harrison so much... He wrote Something, Across the Universe and While My Guitar Gently Weeps... No one could've done it like he did.

So I was loading up Sgt. Peppers to play and the media player kept insisting on playing A Day in the Life as the first song... Gawd this is why CDs own mp3 by 1000x. One cannot listen to Sgt. Peppers out of order... Hmmm oh well Obla-di Obla-da.

"What would you think if I sang out of tune? Would you stand out and walk out on me..?"

Listening to The Beatles, in my mind I'm transported.

Norwegian Wood. Is quite possibly one of the best songs ever.

Norwegian Wood = The Beatles + Haruki Murakami = Owned. Best combo ever.

Now that's an equation I can actually understand! ;D

jack-o-lanterns,

i couldn't be more satisfied than i am now.

fashion,

Sometimes I find it so funny when people say stuff like "Oh, do you ever see real people wear stuff straight from the runway? Fashion is completely pointless." It's pretty much like saying Michelangelo didn't contribute much to society.

Fashion is art, just like the Mona Lisa. Look at a dress in a different perspective (instead of through monetary and religious lenses) and you can see how beautiful it really is, how much of the designer's soul is put into making an exquisitely detailed work of art. From mere yards of fabric they create something spectacular, magical : again, like how artists paint canvasses, designers create dresses.

the big city,

Went to Toronto on sunday and it was fab seeing everyone again... I've missed them. Next place, Montreal! or did we plan for Guelph? Oh wells whichever comes first. I wish we had time to walk along the harbor... as the bus was pulling out of Union Station Naiz and I realized that it was only a block away from the bus stop. Well, better luck next time eh?

My seniors (I have no idea what the proper term is, people keep thinking that I'm talking about senior citizens) had this gathering the night of raya... dapat makan sate doh. that was cool, our seniors are fun people. Then the night after the boys cooked. And it was yum. You guys did a great job boys. Thanks for inviting us and being such great hosts!

I have an eff-lot of reading and homework to do... But I keep feeling like I'm still on holiday, which is hardly a good thing. Today I saw 2/5th's as 20%... My braincells are gone. I am so blur.

Oh well, onto Aplia then.

hamilton's a fine fine place,

and i'm so tired. the view of lake ontario on the mountain is breathtaking.... it stretches into infinity. apparently it's right behind my campus so I'm gonna go check it out today. plus the royal botanical gardens as well.

i've probably seen half of the city... downtown's pretty sketchy, but it's got character, i adore it. went to sapporo last night for the dinner with sponsors... eggplant and squid ring tempura, yum!

can't wait for school year to start. my brains are rotting away..

Red bag,

I've been packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking. I'm not sure why that is... Most people would see it as a sign of nervousness, others excitement. I myself, have absolutely no idea. It's been tiring, that's for sure. It's hard when there's only a week left.

I love the fasting month. Maybe it's my psyche (I've always had the superstitious belief that the devils are locked up during Ramadhan), or maybe it's just mind over matter... It's so much easier for me to wake up and pray as I hear the beautiful sounds of the Azan... This month makes me think about God the most.

Pasar Ramadhan doh. Syiok giler.

Jelaludin Rumi & Yasmin Ahmad,

Our death is our wedding with eternity.
What is the secret? "God is One."
The sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house.
This multiplicity exists in the cluster of grapes;
It is not in the juice made from the grapes.
For he who is living in the Light of God,
The death of the carnal soul is a blessing.
Regarding him, say neither bad nor good,
For he is gone beyond the good and the bad.
Fix your eyes on God and do not talk about what is invisible,
So that he may place another look in your eyes.
It is in the vision of the physical eyes
That no invisible or secret thing exists.
But when the eye is turned toward the Light of God
What thing could remain hidden under such a Light?
Although all lights emanate from the Divine Light
Don't call all these lights "the Light of God";
It is the eternal light which is the Light of God,
The ephemeral light is an attribute of the body and the flesh.

...Oh God who gives the grace of vision!
The bird of vision is flying towards You with the wings of desire.

-Jelaludin Rumi, Mystic Odes

I thought that, at one point in my life, I'd be able to show her some of my scripts. She reignited my passion for writing, which was at one time, the only thing I ever wanted to do.

I regretted not posting anything on her blog, even though I was an ardent follower. Needless to say, everything she did stroke a chord with me, and many others, as can clearly be seen.

I hope that one day I'll be able to create Malaysian life stories as beautifully as she did.

Sedekah Al-Fatihah kepada Yasmin Ahmad. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat Allah.

Prose: This is how it goes: your body at the edge of the shore,

This is how it goes: your body at the edge of the shore, staring dead ahead into nothing. Seagulls flying high above spread their wings towards the sky; from where you stand it looks like a peace sign more than anything. A good or bad omen, it doesn’t really matter. You spread your own makeshift wings (your beautifulslenderarms) and start swimming, blending in seamlessly with the vast emptiness we call the sea. You see it more as a challenge; as the waves beckon you back to the shore, your carnal lust for physical strength urges you to swim against the tide, further and further towards the horizontal line that differentiates the sky and the sea. It is at this moment, when you can’t picture the line with your naked eye anymore, you realize that both entities are really not so different. Just like how the soul and the body is connected, and humans make an imaginary line in order to distinguish one between the other. That, in actuality, it is existential and consequential because the other exists. It is while you are surrounded in this nothingness that it hits you; that we compartmentalize in order to achieve a kind of perfection, a system of ordered and manageable thought that was never really there to begin with. And here you are, swimming gracefully, parallel to the seagulls gliding effortlessly, towards the sun.

You wanna make fires and get Norwegian Wood with me

I like Lady Gaga, Alphabeat, Mr. Hudson and Julian Perretta =D. It's strange to find myself thinking that our pop music is evolving, yet rock remains relatively static and mundane. I can't name one modern rock band I can listen to all day long. Grammatics, I think, is the only band that's a little different from all the other trash. And it's indie, not rock =/

So what have I been doing these days?

I really don't know, but I've been busy =/

My grandma's been making me stock up on all these traditional Malay clothes. They're beautiful, but how am I supposed to fit them in my suitcase and still keep within the 20 kg limit? =(

I is sad.

Yesterday my sis and I were walking along Ampang Park and the haze was nuts. More toxic than that Britney song.

=(

Life's been good, only a few weeks left to go peeps =)

Spend time with the family and stay healthy.

Lately my head's been kinda funny.

I don't really get why.

Maybe I'm going through like a withdrawal process, where I know I should start detaching myself with certain people;

My family and friends especially.

I've always thought of myself as someone independent. I wasn't especially vulnerable. Spiteful, maybe.

Now I'm not so sure anymore.

Morrie Schwartz told Mitch Albom to give in to emotions fully, let it seep into the soul wholly, and then let go completely. That, he says, is the perfect antidote to combat fear.

But is fear the accurate emotion that I'm feeling right now?

Possibly, possibly.

Or it could just be that time of the month again.

Juncture

I love how he quotes the Qur'an a lot. I like the fact that he knows a lot about our history, about our religion. I like how he put in the Isra' allusion in the speech. I like the fact that he gave the speech in Al-Azhar. That in itself, is a mark of respect. The speech, in its entirety, is in line with my own personal beliefs; I'm glad that the leader of the Free World is beginning to air out all the hostility between the West and Islam, and is willing to work towards a better future.

Some of my favourite excerpts:

"Too many tears have been shed. Too much blood has been shed. All of us have a responsibility to work for the day when the mothers of Israelis and Palestinians can see their children grow up without fear; when the Holy Land of the three great faiths is the place of peace that God intended it to be; when Jerusalem is a secure and lasting home for Jews and Christians and Muslims, and a place for all of the children of Abraham to mingle peacefully together as in the story of Isra -- (applause) -- as in the story of Isra, when Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed, peace be upon them, joined in prayer. "

"I recognize it will be hard to overcome decades of mistrust, but we will proceed with courage, rectitude, and resolve."

"America does not presume to know what is best for everyone, just as we would not presume to pick the outcome of a peaceful election. But I do have an unyielding belief that all people yearn for certain things: the ability to speak your mind and have a say in how you are governed; confidence in the rule of law and the equal administration of justice; government that is transparent and doesn't steal from the people; the freedom to live as you choose."

"I am convinced that our daughters can contribute just as much to society as our sons. " (I absolutely love this line. More people should realize this.)

"The Holy Koran tells us: "O mankind! We have created you male and a female; and we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another."

The Talmud tells us: "The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace."

The Holy Bible tells us: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.""

Read the whole thing here.

The speech is pretty long, 55 minutes and the transcript spans around three A4 pages. But it's beautiful. And it is a start. It's a good start.

I completely understand the skepticism and the hostility from Gaza and Islamabad. If my house was torn apart and I lost family members in the hands of Americans, I would take this speech as something more of a political ploy.

But I believe in Obama's sincerity, in his willingness to forge a better relation between our wrongly misunderstood religion and the West. As he said; "I do so recognizing that change cannot happen overnight. I know there's been a lot of publicity about this speech, but no single speech can eradicate years of mistrust..."

But he's willing to take the small baby steps. Are we?

My Favourite American Idol performance

Flashback:



He never told the judges why he personally chose that song and felt it important that he sang it.
Now we know why.

I'm a huge Lambert fan. But Cook's the man I go back to time after time for an emotional check.